Tuesday, April 20, 2010

GeekedFu Day 2- The Tectonic Plates of the Soul

When the tectonic plates of the Earth shift, great changes can occur. An earthquake rumbles, or a volcano erupts. And we can find ourselves a humans feeling extremely small and humbled by the very nature of the Earth that we live on, and the scale of how small and insignificant we are next to these huge tectonic shifting of plates.

Since last summer, I have felt incredibly small. I have tried to put on a brave face, and continue with my work here on RawFu, which I truly love and see as an act of service. I am humbled to be able to serve in people's lives, especially when it comes to something as important as health. Thank you for letting me share my gifts and love with you.

The feeling of smallness drew me in during the last 100 day challenge, and forced me to face some of the giants in my life that were making me smaller by the minute. My Big Fat Ego was the culprit in 95% of the time, and the other 5% were things that were totally out of my control, but I was still trying to control them, because of My Big Fat Ego.

Coming out of the last WholeFu Challenge, I realized that I had done a lot of the emotional work necessary for me to carry through with some much needed changes in my life. I quickly realized that I'm racing towards 40 years old, and I'm fat, unemployed, and still struggling with what I put in my mouth on a daily basis. I had to get real about WHY this was my current reality. I had to stop tiptoeing around the issues, and look at the situation for what it really was. I had turned into a complacent employee, an apathetic wife, a half-assed raw foodist, and I used food as my way to numb out. I also used my weight as an excuse not to do things with my friends and family. And I certainly used weight as an excuse not to exercise.

So, I'm standing here on Day 2 of the GeekedFu Challenge, open and honest about where I am and where I've come from. I'm at my highest weight ever. I have eaten my way here on foods that I know aren't good for my body. And I am standing here humbly, and ready to start over. Ugh. It stings to write that after two years on this raw food path, I am at my highest weight ever. Just back in November, I was at my lowest weight in 5 years! But you know what? It's okay. I am where I am.

I'm ready to let go of the excuses. There is no excuse. This is my life, and my health, and it's my job to do what I need to do to turn things around. God wiling, and the creek don't rise, it is my time to have a tectonic shift in the soul. I'm surrendering all, and ready to do the work it takes to make it happen. I am changing.

Bring it on, Fu!

During the last WholeFu Challenge, I dug deep inside of myself, and dragged out all of my emotional dirty laundry, and put it into three piles. Wash, Mend, and Throw Away. I wound up throwing out so much emotional crap that didn't fit me anymore, and now I have all of this room in the closet of my life to ADD IN whatever I want to make happen.

I'd literally sit down and make lists of my self talk. And I'd categorize them. Wash, Mend, Throw Away. I mended relationships that had been frayed for years. I washed the mental picture of myself in love, and allowed myself to be exactly where I was, and to feel perfect there. And I threw away old patterns of abuse that really don't fit into the new me.

I think it's a constant process. Just like your closets at home, you have to go back and clean them out every once in a while. But it works. And it's wonderful!